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December, 13 2009 08:00 PM - SCruMPyViLLE [72ft of 4 wheel Drive with Spit ’n’ Straw~bales]
45rpm BooZed uP BarNDaNce with SoLaR BaR + ThE TRaiLeR of R2$ TraSh, SCrUMpTyViLLe NR VaLE of AVA LArF [TWiNNeD WitH Sth. InNiT], Southwest GR0UN8ZER0 - *REALLY FREE*

8pm to 3/4 am ~ PRopER GooD HiGh ENd R&R BaNd + PoSSiBLe WeIRdo SpoTs ~ R2$ 50’s /60’s MonO 45’s TrASh ’n’ SLEaZoID GReBo RoCk ~ AlSo PLEntY SeRF ’n’ TUrF / IDiOT FuN GaRagE PuNK ’n’ PsYCh ~ + OThEr UsELesS NoN PoP HiT TraSh ’n’ ChEesE [inc. NasTy GLaM ’n’ PrOpEr KiCk ArSE BluEGra$$ ~ ALL ReVoLviNG aT SomEwHerE BeTWeEn 38 & 54rpm ~ A1 PRopER SCrUmPy and PeRRy and / or CuFFinG of PrObaBLe CheAp BoOzE FrOm LIDL’s OpTioNs FoR DesTiTUtE TyPEs Who SMiLE NiCeLY [SuBjEcT tO StaTuS] ~ RaNdOm STifF QuiFFoLA BoPPiN’ ’n’ ECLeCtiC BoDy PoPPiN’ ThrOugHOUt ~ STrIcTLY CoMe DaNcInG TyPeS ALsO WeLcomE ~ OthErWISE ALL ThE UsuAL STANdaRD HouSe RuLES -> GriSt LisT OnLy / SmARt CaSUaL DroSS / NoH BRaiNeRS... etc ... [no salesmen will call - terms & conditions apply - your home may be at risk if you do not keep up repayments - see local trouser press for details]

July, 30 2010 08:00 PM - SChLiCkZ - 14th ANNuAL PoEtRY SpAm -[ it’s a bit like a slam, except it’s not f’kin competetive ]
SChLiCkZ BaR & GrILL, **** -**-***, Southwest **** *** - ***

PrIcE InCLUDeS FREE TiN OpENeR, OnE FrEE DRiNk PEr RhYmING CoUPLeT & a BoX oF SpAcE RaIderS (oR HuLa hOOPS iF YoU PrEFER...) FoR ThE BeST ExAMpLe oF ASSoNAnCE... [ThIS iS NoT a PoEtRY EvENt sO PLEasE DoN’T BrInG YouR Mum...]

August, 21 2010 04:00 AM - WHooPiE Do @ 3 DaY EvEnt WiTh PoNy CLuB
LoVeLY daRLinG.. In ASpArAguS FiELd NeAR a RiVeR - JoLLy HoCkEy StyX, CaLCuTTa, London and South East C0W PAT5 - LoTs

FuLL on CoRPoRatE Re-VaMp oF ThE DeCaDe ThAt ThE MuSiC InDuStRY WoUlD PrefER To Forget - WhERE GiDDy -UP ReTrO HaLtErS & QUaLiTy ViNyL ACcRoutEMeNtS WiLL ReIgN SuPrEMe WiTh Pro-V GLo$$ VaRNiSHed MuLLeTS (BriNG YoUR OwN PiMMs...) FreE FoSteR GraNtS & TaSty TarTS inScHWaRzKoRGi CrYsTaL EnCrUsteD WoRd uP StYLE CaMeO CoD PiEcE GoOdY BagS mit der FrEE MaLiBu & LEMoNaDE ALL Round...[SpEciAL GuEsT APPeArANce$ FroM AnToN SpAnDeX & DReSSaGe with TonTo & PArMesAN ReaDInGs By CuLt HyNoTiST tO ThE BoRGoiSiE [Ms.] MiNkY FaNDaNgO... ] OthER HiGhLiGhtS Inc. BinG LeG-CoCk’S BOOm & Bu$t SiNgiNg CoRgi SounD SySteM, The WoRLd FAMouS DeISeL PoWerED WhiTe LiGhTniNG StiLLeTTo ShOEsHinE TeNt & a FiNe RaNgE oF OthEr ToP-QUaLiTY JaCk-BoOtiqUeS OFFeRInG ThE UsUaL GeNeriC raNgE of RetRo VaLuE SoLuTiOnS At ToMoRRoWs PricE$... FisCaL DyNaMo HuM on thE HouR FroM JoBsWoRtH YeLLoWJaCketS WiTh LaSHiNGs of LoCaL AuThoRitY DuPLiCiTY - [ No Thatcher sailor suits or Dynasty shoulder pads allowed on site after 9pm ] StRIcT Dro$$ CoDe - GrIsT LiSt OnLY - No HiPPiES

August, 27 2010 04:00 AM - Mono assault of paisley Y-front BriAn JoNEs KLOnE BoWLcUTs on Dyke nr Local Municiple Shit farm
KaK du MonDe ~ On a DyKe ~ Nr. SkAG CiTY by the sea side...., Nr SMaCkSViLLe de la PLAgE, Channel Islands A51N 1NE - CANCELLED

This years all new band wagon ca$h trawl fe$tival in a field full of carefully po$itioned cowpat$ has been modelled on Stalag 17... New Venue [no refunds] ! ~ $ome or other hip and really with it commercial cash-in pop fe$t on the mud slide tractor pull circuit ~ on a dyke near the sea side / contents to include ~ R2$ mono assault with usual durational 5 days-worth of kak as kerchanged via R2$ bespoke’o’matic mono sound system with cheap and crappy lights... [subject to draconian local authority wire cutters and jobsworth killjoys] - Thrill to pumping klunky ptang nyang kipperbang platter splatterings and promotion of wildly variant forms of non-corporate, non-zietgeist & anti-social noise pollution. High-lights inc. certifiable lifecodes to the greater gloria hunnifords of your mum. / other info: ~ Incitements to suggestive muffler frugging, twist’o’rama, etherealist swami hurdling and nano-spandex wall of death winkle picker pirouettes in the style of Rudolf Nureyev on 3 jars of coffee and some Benylin / also: ~ Various unscheduled breaks for tea & biscuits.... / Festival also includes speciality intervals inc. ~ liggers only pro-celebrity ’points win prizes’ live radio broadcast interview workshops for really with-it & finger on the pulse poncy retro-railers, with support from various local celebrities and Brian Jones clone bowlcuts ... This year, the radical posturing ’point to point’ decibel readings are presented by The Assembled Pipes and Drums of the West Rottingdene Ladies Law and Order League... other highlights to include braying tactical ego-karaoke support squads of 24hr. yellow jacket mega-phonies offering jobsworth obedience class operatives with (subject to status) grist list wrist band sniffing / access all area style gurners with bad haircuts, portacabins full of ’finger on the pulse’ ex hospital radio jock straps, and free reiki suppositories. To access the independent R2$ area of this event, for health & safety reasons, we advise that you please remove all your credibility and place it into one the bins provided at the entrance to the T.P.. ... All other non-affiliated & separate V.I.P. access to fenced-off idiot fun remains wholly dependent upon fulfilment of all usual crap hairstyle acceptance gate and ligging criteria (please refer your appropriate local authority, local radio and Arts Council brochures) : ~ Grist list only ~ Smart casual dross / No brainers. [ for your safety Brian Jones klone bowlcut holding pens will in operation for the duration. ]

September, 29 2010 04:45 AM - Tunnelling to the Top of Mount Everest from Antarctica via Imperial Kingdom of Surtsey with a Spoon
Mount Everest, c/o R2$, Minister for the Interior, Dullsville, Nr Cone 1 Imperial Kingdom of Surtsey, AQ1 - Donations

Description: please send cash [ no kites ] to help Rev.Two-Sheds become the first man to ascend Mount Everest by tunnel from the inside with a spoon. Rev.Two-Sheds intends to use a little used, difficult and dangerous route known as ’The Eider Suction’ [ie Antarctica to Tibet via the Imperial Kingdom of Surtsey], a route only previously attempted by Harry Callaghan and Jack Lord in a failed pilot for a 1965 cable TV series concerning a pair of jocular pedal steel guitar playing super-cops which was to be called "6/5 Hawaiai Special". In his new attempt to tunnel to the top of Everest will be eventually be planting a flag on the top to commemorate ... etcetera and so on... kindest regards M.Z. [on behalf of...] Rev.Two-Sheds - [ dictated - not read]

November, 19 2010 12:15 AM - ThE CLiQuEy MUnDaNe LiGGeR-ThON NetWoRk 5th Bi-ANNuAL ShOuLDeR RuB @ ACCePtAnCe GaTe VacUuM KLUB
SaMe As LaSt YEAR BuT RoUND ThE BaCk & Up ThE StAirS..., See Local Free Press for Details..., East ST1 NKY - grist list only

UTTeRLY ViLE & BeYoNd DeSCRiPTiON... / ... CrAwL EaRLY To AVOiD DiSsAPPoINTMeNt ... / ... SmArT CaSUAL DroSs ... / ... etc

November, 19 2010 03:00 AM - BROWN NOSE DAY @ PSYCHOPHANTS ....
EVERYWHERE FROM MONDAY [see franchise listings], DULLSVILLE, 5H 1TE .. - [GRIST LIST ONLY]

An annual collective ligging tsunami of the great and the good’s generously egocentrificated self-selection of cliquey fundraisers for whatever catastrophe or debilitative medical affliction is currently en-vogue and likely to get the best media coverage usual types – extensive drunks – wanky photo opportunities – smooth marble surfaces in all rest rooms - etc T-Shits £20, CD’s £15.00 and pamphlettes £10.00each. ....

November, 22 2010 08:00 PM - "LIVE @ DULLARDS" ~ Rev.Two-Sheds comperes for ’The Casual Poet’ ....
666a Clique street London and South East, DULLSVILLE, ZER0 1 - pre-book only ~ £6.66 no concessions or luncheon vouchers please.

As most of you already know, The Casual Poet really needs no introduction, and so ’DULLARDS’ have booked Rev. Two-Sheds as compere for this star stunted event - rather than allowing Rev. Two-Sheds to waffle on and on about The Casual Poet... We have decided to copy in this revue of her work, as taken from the strips of some other shite specific glossy Arts Council funded magazine, currently hanging on the nail... "The Casual Poet moves briskly like a jolly red setter with a shiny new bone, she digs new holes where’pon she and throws in short, somewhat jealous ditties about mindlessly happy mums in bloom, and babes upon the titty, and of course a few short one’s in the style of a bit part tart from Sex in the City... unleashes her honed quasi~feminist rasps on cliched repressions ’pon fumbling useless men and of the obvious ease in which she herself can go hey ho bravo with the clasps of her padded satin latino Bravissimo... [etcetera]... Thrill to her soliliquays, fully basted in the juices of her lost loves and clinical depressions... [etcetera]... her ripping knit one pearl one yarns slice through the ice with regurgitant urgency... swoon to old chestnut stylisers about her chocolate obsessions and how they were so awefully awefully naughty but nice... Also, not to be missed... [etcetera]... all this and that and so much more, delivered with only minimal digressions inc. her bestset grand finale style of deliciously, erudiciously and ambulently staring impressions, of a tantalisingly sexy and predatory pastiche of Carmen Electra, The Creature from the Black Lagoon, whats~her~face from the ‘Attack of the 50ft Woman’, in a pre~viagra falls coceptualisation of a how a young John’s Session would overeact on top of a downed pilot for a showdown in ‘Who Wants a Line Anyway’ ~ Not a dry seat in the house... ... book early to avoid disannointment... ....

November, 25 2010 08:00 PM - Archeop-Trick-Cycling Tar ’n’ Feather Pentathlon and Fireworks Party
La Brea Tar Pits - Los Angeles, Los Angeles, LA - 200 marborough, a KFC Bargain Bucket & a pillow case

Charity Fund Raiser to see who can make it to the other side first, and in the process come up with the best version of an extinct bird by bog-snorkling across the La Brea Tar Pits using only a pillow case and a KFC Bargain Bucket - ( Booby prize for best balloon animal ) - All money raised will go to a very worthwhile [but as of yet unspecified ] ’good cause’ ... maybe a big bronze statue of RAMBO, or something like that... Please send all cash [ no kites ] to the usual address... kindest regards etc. - M.Z. [on behalf of...] Rev.Two-Sheds [dictated - not read]

November, 27 2010 06:30 AM - - WARNING ~ Arts Council Funded Poetry in Progress ~ Live @ CoCkBoOsT ....
CoCkBoOSt @ Hannibal Lecture Hall Bar & Grill Longdong,, ChoPPed, Northeast 5H1T DULL - expensive

Generic Arts Council Funded Pamphlette Fling-o-Thon, as observed from the placemats of destiny... sweet & needfull things... diddums...

November, 28 2010 05:00 AM - PUB / CLUB / SMUB @ P.C. SMUBS PUB CLUB....
TBA, DuLLsViLLE, South DUNCE 1 - Pro-V with active lipozomes and codpieces

rpt. of prev. broad selections of greater & lesser known lumpy gravy style generic 45rpm kak 50’s/60’s pop hit pap [don’t worry, no Beatles...] + usual obscuro sections offering seasonally adjusted vampyre gore, zombie & ghoul orientated slants, in fabulous mono... over 21’s... [IQ not age] & poncy dress required apparently... OK if you like that sort thing... "LoOk... I’m nOt HeRe To F’Kin EnTErTaIn YoU LoT... So If YoU WaNNA LiStEn To ThAt KyNde oF ShiT ~ WhY DoN’T YoU JuSt FuCk oFf Up ThE PoUnd ShOPPe oR Go HoMe & TuNe InTo CaPitAL GoLD..." [sic] ....

November, 30 2010 04:45 AM - ’LOOP STATION’ Live at REVERB [formerly known as THE GIBBER LOUNGE]
T.B.A., N/A, V.D... etc ...., DULLSVILLE, 80LLERK5 - infinite ....

revised date -21 Sep 2014, 03:27 – 350 of the world’s greatest plug in loop station operatives deliver their versions of Rod stewart’s time~punched ’sailing’ in vapid concession, on a non-stop whistle top pop tour of the far east... [self caterwauling only $500 p/h]... for one to one bedroom /cabin angst promotionals with a T-shirt & wristslash acoustonauts on toast add $200.. gusset compere... L. Ron Hubble ....

December, 2 2010 01:00 AM - YuMMy KaRaOKe PoEtRy ~ LIVE @ ThE NeW La BrEA TaR PiT BAR ....
*Y LoS AnGLEs, Nr. RoCkALL..., ROCKALL, 80LLERK5 . - it’s a rip-off

revised date - 12 Oct 2011, 01:00 - It’s a little bit like stars in your eyes but without the plush panelling... just bring along a cassette of someone elses work, and we’ll do you up to look and sound just like them... no one will ever know... [no flash photography - notebooks only...] ....

December, 19 2010 08:00 PM - ~ terms and conditions apply . . . . . . . . . .
~ terms and conditions apply . . . . . . . . . ., ~ terms and conditions apply . . . . . . . . . ., - ~ terms and conditions apply . . . . . . . . . .

~ terms and conditions apply . . . . . . . . . .

December, 20 2010 03:15 AM - Bi-Annual Pamphlette Fling’o’Thon @ ’Fecundity’ The Official Arts Council Funded Revue Bar.
’Fecundity’, 666B Clique Street London and South East ZER 0 ...., CoRnEd BEeF, Isle Of Man 80LL0X - £90 / £180 no concessions .... / £360

revised date ~ 27 Nov 2016, 22:00 - Description: Formerly based in the vibrant artisan sector of Royal Pontisbury Docks, "The Placemats of Destiny" now moves to No.666 Clique Street with a new venue and a new name ’Fecundity’ ~ As expected ’Fecundity’ offers the usual broad selection of Art’s Council Funded pamphlette flinging and pre-book only nepotismic floor spots for the same old cabbage... price includes free coke with each entry to the ever popular pro-celebrity ego spoon race... a series special workshops [at extra cost] will also be run in the powder rooms, by ’L’Associone Sicophanciers’ on how to fill out Arts Council Grant Application Forms... and there will also be sample opportunities to cast your vote for ’pamphlette flinger of the year’ from the poetry code’s approved list of next years winners...

December, 20 2010 04:45 AM - 料金:£.$.d.ページの説明ー£.$.d.料金:す集プロフィー£.$.d.
する アーティストルを編集プロフィー, ティストページの:ルページの集プロフ編集プ, 料金:する アーティ - る アーティ

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December, 22 2010 04:30 AM - RUBBISH NIGHT OUT" @ STREUTH Guided tour starts at STREUTH @3.30am sharp
, London and South East., DuLLsViLLe, London and South East 80LL0X - $79.95

Join Rev.Two-Sheds & some of the more mature members of the Wimbledon & District Municiple Shitfarm Aqualung Society for a guilded tour of some of the best local skips and wheelie bins in search of vital contemporary quasi~ achaeological accroutements and otherish, [as of yet unspecified], Holy Relics... All Marigolds & Betterware plastic sleeve protectors included. All in price includes Happy Hour at 5.00am ~ but please bring your own TCP & fresh pine disinfectant [all mixers charged at half price for tax purposes]... Special guests inc. Sir Anthony Spong, senior lecturer of applied kidney crystalisation at West Surtsey Tabbernacle Jabberknackers Victual Assoc., and a special hammer throwing demonstration by none other than Amelia Aerhardt, with canapes and of course, Babara Carstairs... Grist list only ~ Smart casual dross ~Noh trainees ~ etcetera .

December, 25 2010 03:00 AM - "Dull Night Out" at The Placemats of Destiny
The Placemats of Destiny, Dullsville, all over MY5PACE ...., DULLSVILLE, London and South East 80LL0X - $79.95 + pp ....

revised date 19 Oct 2016, 20:00 – Come along to the newly refurbished ’Placemats of Destiny’, London’s glichiest new nightspot... Lowest common denominator pro-celebrity entertainment at pre-crunch prices with expensive drinks to keep the riff-raff out... All rest rooms have smooth melamine surfaces... Bring your own anchovies... [ Smart casual dross only please ~ Strict dross code ~ No brainers ] ....

December, 25 2010 08:00 PM - Le PLAIT GUERISTES - BI-ANNUAL POETRY COMPETITION AWARD CEREMONY
T.B.C., GEISTONVILLE, P05 EUR5 - GRIST LIST ONLY

Le PLAIT GUERISTES BI - ANNUAL POETRY COMPETITION AWARD CEREMONY is now in it’s 25th year - [open ended trawl competition] - there’s still plenty of time to submit the very best of the best examples of your work for critical evaluation by the panel of judges and their friends as to which bits can be plaguarised ... all of the best examples will be later regurgitated as original via La PLAIT GEURISTES network of pamphlettes, freebies, recordings and interviews - comp. rules :- no previously ’published’ or recited work will be accepted and any such submissions will result in immediate disqualification - A maximum of 30 original poems [or more] of 30 lines or less per competition entry - 3 top prizes of [T.B.C.] - please include cash or postal orders to the value of $29.95 per poem [no kites]... all submissions remain the sole property of Le PLAIT GEURISTES and their friends are non-returnable [see entry form on the rear of this flyer for further details]

December, 26 2010 02:00 AM - Vile at "Social Khazi" .... a quasi~rural semi-suburban dead end with crispy coupons
Sluice 4, River Fleet, West 2, LoNgDoNg, London and South East 1T 5UCK5 . - Non-negotiable ....

More of the same as usual with hyper-inflated ’chaino-style’ drink prices and a really shit PA... highlights include rich kids trying to be poor supported by local authority licenced bouncers in puffa jackets who spend the rest of the week practicing hard stares in front of the mirror... plenty of heap acceleration schmooze opportunities with support from bad hairstyles and urgent heart- rending wristslash acousto-thrash... 10% entry discount on production of a valid prescription for anti-depressants... price includes melamine chill-out cubicles & a semi-covered outside reiki schpieling area [subject to status]. Come to Vile - suburbia’s latest urine recycling centre, plenty of atmosphere, and the social equivalent of a backed up festival khazi... smart casual dross only...

December, 27 2010 05:45 AM - Old Gold at ’DULLARDS’ ....
13 Low Street London, BAG 1 ...., CoCkSViLLe, London and South East 80LL0X - [subject to status]

27 Nov 2010, 22:00 - You’ve never had it so good.. soul dredging, searching wrist slash acousto-dirge and poetic spleen venting with ’old gold’ audience precipitation... this fully funded arts council tax loss was recently voted London’s best place to download problems and make needy contacts... all drinks £3.00... wide range of imported bores, extensive insentative swine list, fully air conditioned swami area... strict dross code... (revue courtesy of ARSE magazine) ....

December, 28 2010 06:00 AM - ’SiNk HoLE’ an evening of PoEtRy PoThOLiNg in ThE MeNdipS ....
SiNk HoLE 35, Lower Level, Nr. HiGh St. KeNtUcKy FriEd ChiCkEN Midden..., DuLLsViLLe de la Plage,, Channel Islands 80LLERK5 - Dry SuiT & KP rations ....

revised date 11 Oct 2019, 23:00 – LiVe CaVeRnOUs CrEdIbiLiTy WiTh ShiNy BuSiNeSS CaRDs & BReaThInG APPaRAtuS PLUs SpEciAL GuEsT StArS FrOm BeYoNd ThE ReALm of thE PLAcEmAts oF DesTiNY... ALL ’WoRkS’ To Be ReAd MeANiNGfuLLy into ASSSemBLeD CrOWD oF WaFFLiNG LiTeRAtZiS in ToTaL SiLEnCe AgAiNsT A VeRy YuMMy BaCkDrOp... DiMLY LiT... So No FLAsHy PhOTogRapHy... [NoTeBoOkS OnLY PLEaSE... ] ... $29.95 [konks] FREE ~ GrIst LiSt 0nLY... .... SmART CaUSaL DrOSS... TERMs & ConDiTiOnS APPLY

December, 29 2010 03:00 AM - Fe$TiVaL ThiNg in a TeNt WiTh MoNo TrASH & RuBBiSh LiGhTS
vest country ...., DULLSVILLE, RU 1N MUD - a mere flutter of the eyelids ... otherwise it’s wirecutters ....

HiDeOuS MonO KaK GaRaGe PunK & PsyChedELic TrAsh oN KLUnKInG 60s MoNo RiG WiTh KnoBs oN... + PoUnDiNG GoRgOnZoLA ChEEsE & othEr AurAL suRpRiseS inc. tHaT VeRy ScArY MaY StuNgO 45 & ALsO ThE WeiRd PRoToTyPE 60s bEaT OnE on PARLOpHonE WiTh That BBC LUvviE TyPe BiRd WaThChEr blOKe GoInG oN AbOuT NuTs & BoLTs... AlSo AgA DoO BoNkerS GoNkS & AcTioN MeN WiTh GrIPPiNG HaNdS... "ThEsE YoU HaVe LoVeD" & I’M iN A MoOd MuSiC FoR SpEcIAL OCCaSIoNs... GrIsT LiSt OnLy ~ StRIct DroSS CoDe ~ Noh TrAinErS... ....

December, 30 2010 01:00 AM - KaK Du MONde @ ThE GiMMicK ....
(5,000 yards & closing S.S.E. of A&E ) DuLLsViLLe, AQ, DULLSVILLE, 80LL0X, - £.$.d.

revisored date 05 Mar 2014, 04:30 - .... Yesh ! Fore it is written... gypsy~mothballed mono rig’o’rama, gravy lights and scratching y’ piles with 45’s a la 50’s/60’s trash kerchang ptang garbola kipperbang sex’o’ filth with added clunkin’ doo lang doo lang somewhere in between 39 & 52 r.p.m. . . . Added distractions this year include, fresh from his tour of cone 6 in NW Iceland... the amazing Mr. Glam Coelancanth & His All New Electric Baby Jesus Superstars livering on stage 1 at 4.30am [subject to status]. grist list only ~ strict dross code ~ noh brainers ....

December, 30 2010 06:00 AM - SUCK BOOK COCK LAUNCH ....
venue TBA ~ R2S / FEC [Rev.Two-Sheds/Fox Ewe-Crane], DULLSVILLE, 80LLERK5 - FREE-ish

revised date - 17 May 2012, 04:00 – New major Rev.Two-Sheds / Fox Ewe-Crane collision works A4 pamphlette: "SUCK BOOK COCK LAUNCH *" *works only : update info ...now re~sheduled for demolition to build some more flats... more of Rev and Fox’s collusive collisions inc. punctuative inclusions around established semi colons; of the literatzi. This new body of work* is setting apart new goal posts in their mulch to elevate punctuation as art above all words constraining them... "punctuation as art, words lose their meaning, symbols are the new alphabet" R2S / FEC July 2008 .<br rad:posture|ring//style=quote;display:neo-conformity;/>/new-center|built/total\shit> ....